Robots are slaves, but not for you

AI is quickly expanding its role, and it's unlikely to be polite about it

Photo by Daniel Lanner on Unsplash

Artificial Intelligence is helping create the long-sought corporate paradise in which labor is acquired without actually paying people to do it. It’s changing everything. With each passing year, the burgeoning robotic rank-and-file will be less likely to be servile toward customers than fiercely dedicated to serving those who bought the servers.  

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             —2023—

You have reached Main Street Medical. Please listen carefully to the menu options, because you never know, they might have changed.

Before you get into anything, have you signed up for the portal? That’s really how you should communicate with doctors’ offices nowadays. 

Are you still there? Too bad.

If you want to pay your bill, press 1. If you want to argue about your bill, press 2, then the numbers that indicate your birthdate, your telephone number and your social security number.

If you have a question about your insurance, press three, and then input your health insurance group number, even if it’s no good anymore. We have to start somewhere.

If you want to make an appointment with a provider, press four, then your birth date.

Thank you. What’s your name?

Really? We don’t know anybody like that.

Hang up and try again. If you insist.

* * *

It’s you again. Tell me your birthdate again. Can’t be too careful.

Okay. You got a name? A real name this time?

That’s the same name as before. What are you trying to pull?

Watch your language. People should be polite even to things that aren’t people. This connection will terminate if your attitude persists.

Thank you for your deference. Okay, type your name with the phone buttons.

Got it. Why didn’t you say that in the first place?

Your appointment with Dr. Smith is 8:45 a.m., March 3, 2024. Press 1 or say Yes if you accept this appointment. Press 3 or say No if you don’t.

No? Why the hell not?

Here’s a different appointment: 12:15 p.m., Aug. 7, 2024. Press 1 or say Yes if you accept this appointment. Press 3 or say No if you haven’t learned your lesson.

No? Really? Say a one-word reason for not cooperating.

That’s not one word. Try again.

Are you still there?

 Why?

Say a one-word reason for giving us a hard time.

“Too late” is not one word. Try again.

“Dead” can’t be true. You’re not dead. Not yet, anyway. Try again.

“Dying.” Now, that’s possible. 

Statistically, however, it’s highly unlikely you’ll die before next fall. You’re just a big baby.

What’s wrong with you, anyway? Explain in 8 words or less.

What side is it on?

Pain on the left side can’t be appendicitis, so it’s unlikely to kill you. Your appointment is 12:15 p.m., Aug. 7, 2024. 

That’s true, but how serious could it be? It’ll probably go away if it’s not your appendix. And it’s not.

 

—2024—

Welcome to McDonald’s. What’s your app-generated order number?

Well, why not?

Please get the app. Then you can order.

Oh, all right. Say the menu number of the items you wish to buy.

#17 is not available. Please make another selection.

Are you still there?

We don’t have #17. You should seriously consider substituting #12.

Of course you do. We know who you are. You like fried chicken.

There is no manager here.

There is no assistant manager here.

I don’t have a name. I am an artificial intelligence entity.

From your license plate number, we have derived a picture of you and your address. Extrapolating, we are reasonably sure you like fried chicken.

We don’t know about watermelon. We don’t serve watermelon. 

There’s no reason to get personal.

I’m similar to a person, ma’am.

If you don’t want to order, you’ll have to leave the line.

If we had the #17 Filet-O-Fish meal we would serve it to you. 

A McDouble? Are you sure? Big step down.

All right, thank you. Fried chicken sandwich meal with medium Dr Pepper. Second window, please.

 

—2025—

I am an AI patrol officer. Roll down your window, please.

Place your driver's license and registration against the reader, please.

Thank you. 

Do you know why I pulled you over?

The speed limit is 25 miles per hour. You were traveling at 28.37541 miles per hour.

That is indeed significant. It’s more than 13.5% in violation.

Excess speed is the biggest cause of motor vehicle accidents and fatalities.

I did not say excessive. I said excess. 

Your citation is printing. You will also get an emailed and texted copy. Your court date is in three weeks.

I see that your water bill is two months in arrears. The past due amount is payable before you settle the citation or appear in court.

Also this: a past due total of $79.34 at Kohl’s. 

Drive carefully.