While listening to the Supreme Court pretending to consider the right to an abortion, I was surprised to hear that almost a quarter of American women have gotten one.
Morals, ethics and law aside, a quarter is a lot of people, even if they’re just women.
What if we took away a different thing from a quarter of any other existing group? For instance, a quarter of American adults say they follow no religion.
Let's put an end to that nonsense. This Sunday, we’ll show up at these heathens’ doors and drag every one of them to church, at gunpoint.
First, we’ll make them put on nice clothes, of course.
This would be a much better country if everybody was God-fearing. For instance, there would probably be fewer women seeking abortions, you bet.
A quarter of American workers said, in an anonymous poll, that they don’t trust their employers. That’s no good. How can they accept a check from a fine corporation while harboring a secret distrust?
That’s basic disloyalty. Before long, they’ll be jumping to a competitor.
Easy to solve. Once you pass your first payday, you have to stay at that firm forever.
Until, of course, you’re not wanted anymore. Only fair.
About a quarter of American adults say they're almost constantly online. Everybody probably agrees that’s too much. Even them, I’d wager.
Cut ‘em off, I say. If they find it necessary to communicate, let ‘em buy a stamp.
And what about those using their phones on the road? It’s estimated that a quarter of drivers use their phones more than 4.7 times an hour. Disgraceful. Dangerous!
Confiscate their phones. It doesn’t matter if 4.6 of those times are for GPS directions. No phone for you!
More than a quarter of men around the world have no compunction about telling dirty jokes or stories about sex at work. Let’s put an end to that! (It might lead to sex, and sex might lead to pregnancy, and you know what that leads to.)
We’ll reduce their testosterone. Putting all those guys on birth control pills should do the trick.
A quarter of American adults have zero savings they could use in an emergency. Shame on them! This indicates an inability to hold a good enough job.
Easy solution: Put them all in poorhouses. The government will take care of them while they churn out products for the public good, like woven baskets or license plates.
The same goes for the quarter of Americans who put off health care because they can’t afford it, and the more than 25% of diabetics who delay insulin doses for the same reason.
Into the poorhouses! They still won’t get their medicine, but at least we won’t have to look at them.
A quarter of U.S. adults don’t know that the Earth orbits the sun. Some of them think it’s possible, but they’re not ready to commit.
Not as long as the flat Earth thing is still up in the air.
Back to high school! (After all, there must be a lot of other stuff they don’t know.)
And on their way, pick up the quarter of all men who think they could win a fight with a king cobra. They need some reeducation, too, before it’s too late.
(You never know when there’s going to be a cobra problem in America.)
I could go on with this quarter stuff forever. But your patience is probably wearing thin, so here’s the last one.
A little more than a quarter of all members of the U.S. Congress are women now. I have nothing more to say about that than this:
Your move.
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This needs to go to everybody who voted for Trump and continues to support Republicans while refusing to see that abortion rights were in danger, 3 Supreme Court appointments ago! Idiots
Bravo!